Gaining back

Problem:: Changing who I am , for a guy

Solution:: Gaining back MY sexy ......... independence

Story::

Okay so if you knew me for the most part of all my life up until around November of last year , you would know that I was an independent , strong , bite the bullet , type of female. I pretty much lost all of that around November. = { . The type of girl that DID NOT take any type of shit from ANYONE.People have been saying I changed , I'm not the same girl they knew before , something isstrange about Tash , and so on . Some people have been real raw with it and just straight up told me

"Tash you need to get your shit together . I don't know where this change came from but you lost your sexy . Seeing you like this is not attractive ::pause:: AT ALL"

It reeked when the person told me that but , it made me realize that ,yep you are right . If my sexy = me being strong , and independent , if I lose that what exactly do I have left? NADA.If youre reading this post , there is a good chance you've read some of the other ones. Some about my life , but even more about my relationship with Mr.Davis.Those post let the world see how we could be at our best , and how we are at our worse. We are like this on going emotional rollercoaster . Im at the part where I ate right before getting on the newest , "biggest" rollercoaster and now Im about to throw up .Dont get me wrong , I have feelings for meathead ,and I honestly believe that they are not going anywhere any time soon ,but im fuckin disgusted with myself. YUCKK!!

I never thought I would be one of those girls that would just dropped it all for a dude. I keep asking myself , "what the fuck is wrong with you Tasha , is he worth losing yourself to?" The answer is def No.

Im gonna admit that part of my reasons for changing was simply because I didnt want to lose him , but I think I pretty much WILL accomplish that because I am not who I was when he met me . He admitted that he never tried to take me away from myself ,but when someone make it easy it just happens. That sounds quite f'd up but that is definitely the truth of the matter in a lot of situations. If you know you can get away with something , chances are you're going to do it and then worry about whatever conequences that may come up , later.I kinda hate him for this but then again I am my own boss , so if I LET him do it , I can only blame myself.right?I told him about what my friend had to say about me gaining back my indepence and he couldnt agree more.He said that Im still sexy as far as looks but as far as the overall package , im lacking . I didnt know Ivory could be that honest with me.(if only I felt he was that honest about EVERYTHING ). That is the honesty I crave from everyone. The truth that hurts like hell .

I need to be exactly who I was when I met Ivory . I'm not trying to go back to who I was because Ivory likes it , I am going back to who I was because that is definitely a better me . I went from well , he knows I dig him but Im gonna make him want me .I am going to be busy , wont rely on a man to entertain me . Now its like he is going to know I i him because I am going to express it all the time, show it / talk about it all the time and live under his sac to prove it some more.NOT COOL.

We shall call this task :: Operation Indepenence.

This change will come , so world pleaseeee prepare for Tash to be back on HER grind = + )....

upcoming post

• my hair
• outlook on life atm
• upcoming things im looking forward too

friends and ((their)) relationships

Why is it that some friends just dont get it ? Like im gonna be detailed as hell on what happened . Here goes nothing.Before I start im gonna throw it out there that I know I do not have a story book relationship . It gets rocky,and as of now we are on a "break " whatever that is but yea.

Iight so Im Tasha , my bebito is Ivory . My best friend is Stephanie , she goes out with Ivory's brother Ray.Ray is a cool dude that has bm drama .They are in love and all that jazz , which is cool .Me and Steph got in MANY arguments about how its okay for her to talk shit about me in my relationship but when it comes down to her its like , its the way u say it .LIKE WTF IS THAT . Am i toooooo real for u , should i start sugar coating shit ?

Not happening.

They go through arguments , and its like a never ending routine .. Good for awhile then he fucks up somehow then back at it. Meanwhile , Im hearing the stories from both sides on exactly what it is . Im not the type of girl that gets when a guy needs space. He has to com out and say ,"i need space." Even when he says it ill be looking around like ::well what do u mean:: lol . Its whack but its exactly how I am.She doesnt get it either ,then again Ray doesnt say unless he really has to even though he is feeling it .

Recently it was some dumbness that went on with them . They went throught the same routine of being good for a lil while , he doesnt wanna be bothered so he just ignore her .Not completely go M.I.A , just do shit to make her feel like damn where is he.

She became an instant "tough guy" .Sayin she not the tye of girl thats gonna stay in something , yadda yadda ya. She starts comparing all that Ivory does ,to the nothing Ray does .How the hell is it MY fault that her dude does nada . I mean he does work but no side activities , or school or nothing . How am I the blame for that? So anyways she starts comparing making herself feel bad and thats that .

Me being a friend I start to tell her 101728493588 times lie just cool it for awhile , just cool it , just cool it. She doesnt want to listen to me .She take it like im putting her down . I feel like if she is my friend she will listen to what Im saying rather than get offended by it .

Conclusion :: She will contunue to hibernate under his nutz... I dont care anymore . I may have lost a friend , (then again how much of friends were we if i cant bring shit up)... ehhhhh good riddance to u homie if thats the case.

:(

nada to blog about , EVER.

relationship days

Funny how I want things so bad yet I always seem to mess it up somehow . Like Me & Ivory arent done ,I cant quite say what we have but there is definitely some weirdness to our sick ass connection.Can not shake the dude .I feel like I push him away to the max .Actually I know I do .Like Ivory does have this little stuck in his ways thing going on ,but overall he is a good guy.My problem is , im so used to being "miss independent"and things going exactly how i dictate it that im not exactly diggin wen he has his own agenda.IM A JELOUS ASS FEMALE.I gotta suck it up and get over it because I may end up losing the Iv or even a really good friend. So yea WOOSAHHHH BABBBYY!!!...

So our status as of now is we are on a break . "Broke up" because of some dubness that occured on Thursday night (august 6) so now he said we need time to recollect ourselves. I made sure to find out if he was gona be involved with others n any way he assures me that he isnt. I dont really like or really aprove to be honest but im sure it will help us. I hate that Im not in control tho but I guess I have to suck that up also.Everything will be the same i guess , just no title but ehhhh w.e.. Hopefully everything works out for the best.

I wasnt really diggin that Mario song "Breakup" but i totally relate.

Ivrito ultra looks tired but i reallllllly dig this pic .. july 16 09

VACATION

So Im on vacation and it is quite good. S.C AND V.A .... Some ups and downs . I was still working . Of course not at the greens but I had meetings and phone conferences . Some were unexpected because I met some people while I was down here . One of those meeting went very well the other one was quite fishy . They want Ivory to work for free for 6 months to a yr . Travel all over the eastcost and they dont wanna pay for nada .WTTTFFF . I mean there is a good ,but then again there isnt because all tho he getting hella exposure , it will take thousands of dollars to do all this ... Then the people had the nerve to say "those city chicks prissy". EHHHHHHH lame os. I go back to Jersey at some point on Sunday so More updates coming soon . dont forget to follow Tash on twitter.. : 0O )

Turning 20

My birthday was on 71789 and it was ultra lame.Like I dont ever have the birthday everyone else have but its whatever .Idk why i get mad when Im used to it . Anyways in my 20 yrs I think I have discovered , let go , re discovered , let go and re discover who I am . I think that will be a never ending cycle for the rest of my life.When I turned 20 i was on my way to Virginia . Thats cool because I was getting away from that place i call my home yet at the same time I wasnt really happy . Then again when am I really happy?? But whatever. I started thinkin about all I have done then of course I started thinking about all that I havent . At 20 I feel like im falling behind.This whole plan that I had isnt happening for me fast enough .

I know everyone has there time to shine but WHAT THE HELLLL . I need my time to be now. Feels like the grass is greener on the other side .My mom always says yea it may be greener hbut u dont know hwat that person did to get it greener .She has a point but still . At 20 I was supposed to be close to done with school . Im no where near done with school . Major setbacks seeing that I have to pay for it on my own . The government sucks so much ass with Financial Aid because its just me and my mom and they still like nah lil bruh its not gonna happen.

I wanted to be on my own , at a college away . Living the college life , actin a fool . None of that is happening .

On the other hand , I do think that I am one of a kind for my age. Lol . I work full time now .school full time , I am on my grind for B.L.V.D , Mr . Davis the drummer , and City Wide Marching Band. Thats not a bad thing but at the same time its not as fulfilling as I would like it to be. But whatever no complaints. Its millions of people that would love to be where I am now . Sighzzzz cant complain cant complain . I need to know that I am blessed .

now or never

Okay so I didnt put a post up about Mr.Jackson because a part of me actually wanted this to be a joke. No disrespect but I wanted Ashton to come out and say WORLD, youve got punked. Im so serious . I didnt get to watch all of the memorial today but it was soooo saddening to see it . Everytime they said Michael Jackson I felt like I was being stabbed at .It hurts because he was one of those people you just dont think will EVER die. Crazy because there will NEVER be anyone better ,or even come close to this man . I know that sucks to say but he had , EVERYTHING . Charisma , style , a heart made from gold literally .

People had so much to say about how crazy he was when he was here , now that hes gone people seemed to forget al about that . He was human . He wasnt crazy , society just made him seem that way . Amazing how he died , and everyone knows the impact he put on this earth . I need for people to see me like that , and going as hard as I am hopefully I can make a quarter of that change or difference in the world. I would be so satisfied. When babies know of Michael Jackson , thats dope. I dont think there is really anyone in the industry now that ALLLL generations will know about , and grow with .You can speak to pretty much everyone from different generations and they can all say they grew up on MJ.

He wasnt scared to do what he wanted , and change . He went and worked hard for the best ALWAYS . If everyone followed after him , or better yet if everyone did what it takes to become the best you can be the universe would be so much better. He gave when he needed to . Nowadays people are to money hungry to help someone out . Like help those who help themselves. If you see someone struggling and you know u can do something to make it better , MAKE IT BETTER. .... ughhhh!!!!!!!!! Im mad and sad all at once. This whole thing is just so surreal to me.

MJ you will NEVERR R RRRRRRR RRRR be forgoten...

outfit for 710

On 7.10 as you all know im gonna to HOVs concert. Ivrito , Stephanie (1 out of the 2 of my best friends) ,and Ray (Ivs brother and Stephs boyfriend) will be there .

I wanted to look girly like a skirt that starts at my waist , a belt , wife beater , and cute accessories.

Now I think I wanna wear a skirt ,or some nice shorts that compliment my fanny , a wife beater ,"rugged accessories" like chains ,and a yankee fitted. Idk where the fitted came from but I think its a cute idea. I think thats what im gonna stick with.

...hellp someone lol

MIA

Okay so for a few days from the 25th until yesterday I have been M.I.A .. it kinda felt good not tweeting ,talking to certain people or really doin much of nothing. of course during this time , i started thinking and realized I need to get me on track .

In the beginning of 09 i had hella plans . Now the middle of 09 is here and all I wanna do is go places and explore. Thats not a problem but im spending hella money . I made less money last yr and saved up wayyy more . I need to get back on track to do that so the plan

Im gonna put atleast 100 back each check .
Im opening a new account this Friday so that will be my checking , and my savings will be with the bank I have now.
Im gonna write down everything I need and want .
Even calculate food expenses .

I cant go over the numbers I put for myself. This is what I did last yr and it worked soooooo yea starting that now..